RESTAURANT REVIEWS

BY DUNE DILLS

Game: What if someone were trying to find a restaurant to eat at, and all the reviews were completely useless and had nothing to do with the food itself.

Ext. We open on two people, Lauren and Miranda, sitting at a cafe outdoors.

LAUREN
Wow, that was a great breakfast! I’m having such a good time on vacation so far.

MIRANDA
Me too! Where should we go for lunch?

LAUREN
Hmm, I don’t know, how about that Thai place on 3rd street? It’s near our hotel.

MIRANDA
Did you read the reviews?

LAUREN
Let me look…

Lauren pulls out her phone and starts scrolling.

LAUREN
Oh, it only has 3 stars.

MIRANDA
What did people say?

LAUREN
(reading from her phone)
“They used to be across the street from me, but six months ago they moved across town. Now I have to actually put on my clothes to go out to eat rather than simply coming in my pajamas like I did for years. This is an outrage!”

MIRANDA
Well that’s not very helpful. Keep scrolling.

LAUREN
“The restaurant is so conveniently located, but the wait staff never complemented my new purse that I paid 800 dollars for.”

MIRANDA
Again, not helpful…

LAUREN
Here’s the next one: “I got sunburned on the way to the restaurant and they didn’t provide me with aloe vera gel. When I asked to see the manager they said he was on his break, then I decided to leave and I tripped and fell over my shoelace and scraped my knee. Terrible restaurant!”

MIRANDA
These reviews have nothing to do with the restaurant itself! Who are these people writing this stuff?!

LAUREN
Ugh, seriously! Wait, here’s another one: “I won 8 million dollars at the casino that morning, and on my way to the restaurant even ran into Michael Douglas and took a picture with him! Then we rode the cable car after lunch and went to a salsa club! He even gave me a ride home in his limo. Such a great day!”

MIRANDA
But nothing about the restaurant? What about the lunch itself?!

LAUREN
Nothing!

MIRANDA
Forget it Lauren, let’s just try looking up a different restaurant. Let me look.

Miranda scrolls through her phone.

MIRANDA
Okay, how about this bakery on 8th street? Let’s see…the first review says “I believe my ex-boyfriend’s great-grandfather founded this place.”

LAUREN
Who cares? Keep looking.

MIRANDA
This next person only gave one star! It says: “I went out on a date with one of the cashiers and he never called me back. We went out for drinks and then he just totally ghosted me! He told me he wasn’t looking for anything serious but I still think I deserved at least a call. I even kept showing up at the bakery to try to talk to him and he was never there! I’m definitely never going back to that bakery. Definitely don’t come looking for your soul mate here. My dreams have been crushed and I will never love again.”

LAUREN
So I take it that person isn’t too happy with the customer service?

Miranda and Lauren look at each other dejectedly. A server at the cafe approaches them.

SERVER
Alright, ladies, you’re set, here’s your change. Would you like to leave us a review and get a free cookie?

LAUREN
No thanks. Let’s go, Miranda.

MIRANDA
Go where, though? We still haven’t decided!

LAUREN
Just pick something!

MIRANDA
Wanna just go to the grocery store and get something from the deli?

LAUREN
Yes! That’s music to my ears!

MIRANDA
Hey, the grocery store as five stars.

Lauren grabs Miranda’s phone from her hand.

LAUREN
DON’T LOOK!

Blackout.